Published on 09/21/05 at 08:01:58 GMT by Andy Alkaline
For those interested in optimizing their site, this page could be very beneficial. Attempting to illegally crack into Google's servers may seem like an ingenius plan, but trust me, there are better ways to increase your search engine rank. Another method you'll want to avoid -- especially if you're afraid of the FBI like I am -- is do not perform whois lookups to find phone numbers so you can call and threaten site administrators to add your link. This can cause an opposite effect and your page rank could actually diminish. This page will guide you in legal means of optimizing your rank; it's main content deals with outgoing and incoming links. It's a little slower than Google-cracking or blackmailing webmasters using altered photographs of them and their cousins, but it is well worth it if you have avoidance issues related to authority types, guns, badges, authority types with badges authorized to use guns, and organizations that are known only by mysterious 3-letter acronyms. In Britain, it might be an organisation run by powerful blokes who are colour blind and have no sense of humour, but still you could be in a potentially serious situation that even your pitiful rebel friends would be unable to assist you with. If you would like to destroy the Death Star, please contact me only in whispers and with two styrofoam cups attached by a piano wire which may be used later on the Emperor's wrinkled albino neck. If piano wire can't be found, many rubber bands tied together will suffice, and save us all from the Emperor's electric personality due to their lack of conductive properties. If you are a cartoon character, you can find piano wire from the piano hovering directly over you head. Duck!
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