Spamicide: Man Spammed to Death While Checking His E-mail By Jon Hanson
Death by spam is now possible with a new device by Microsoft. The device when implanted in the user's skull allows downloading of email directly into the brain.
Niles Bookbinder, 37, an assistant working for Jon Hanson, author of Good Debt, Bad Debt was accidentally spammed to death Tuesday morning using a beta version of a new email device called, "MS Mind." A Microsoft spokesperson said, "We don't have all of the bugs worked out yet, but this is the first death we know of." Mr. Bookbinder had unwittingly "unchecked" the spam filter in the MS Mind control panel. Without the spam filter, apparently Niles unleashed the entire world of spam into his "medulla interface" and was literally spammed to death. It's likely the last words Mr. Bookbinder heard were, "You've got mail!"
Wireless Medulla Interface providers are popping up everywhere. Dr. Jack Kevorkian sees the new Wireless "G" Medulla cards as a real advance for him. With these systems, euthanasia supporters predict quick, painless death by simply bypassing the filters and downloading thousands of spam emails quickly. Kevorkian said, "I have been looking forward to killing patients by email." Kevorkian expects his prices to be competitive with AOL. While it is not a victimless crime, it would be a crime without a knowable perpetrator. You would have no way of knowing whether your "loved one" was finished off by the breast enlargement, Viagra softabs starting at $2.99, or $ave $$$ now refinance emails.
A PETA spokesperson, Ima Chihuahua, said she found the idea disturbing because it could lead to so-called Spam Collars that would be used to kill pets as they aged, or "convenience" killings, such as when a young couple could not find a kennel on their way to Vegas or they simply change their minds about having a pet. PETA may be right. It has long been rumored that KFC has been testing the effectiveness of spamming chickens to death versus simply whacking off their heads. In earlier tests, chickens were forced to watch Gili and Ishtar until they simply cut off their own heads, but this experiment was discontinued because of the cruelty to experimenters.
Spamicide, accidental or not, will undoubtedly set off a bitter debate in America as Anti-Spammers and Right-to-Spam groups rally to raise money and jockey for political clout. George W. Bush seemed bewildered at this morning's briefing. He looked to his press secretary and said, "Are we Right-to-Spam or Anti-Spammers?" Elsewhere, Jesse Jackson, finding it difficult to be Right-to-Spam said, "It should be the choice of the spammee. Spamicide should be legal, available, and rare."
NEXT WEEK: Partial Spam Deletion. Should this barbaric practice be outlawed? Are thousands of viable spams being killed in spam filters, just before being downloaded? The debate continues...
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