The Beginnings of Medicine, via the Back Passage. By Mick Savage
Following is an excerpt from The Trivial Times. It is set in a newspaper / browser setting. It is a column by an "expert" in historical matter, hence the title. Some consideration must be made for the many memory inconsistencies of Mick Savage. He does his best.
Hello, Mick here. When I should have been in short pants, but didn't have any, medicine was hardly a tonic. The nearest comparable thing to modern medicine was a type of Acupuncture. The most noticeable difference between it then, and now, is the needles. We didn't have medical grade stainless steel. What we did have though, was an ample supply of bamboo chutes. While these were considered organic, whatever that is, they were somewhat larger in diameter. If time goes as slow for you as it does for me, then discover the virtues of ORIGINAL MEDICINE.
The science of putting such probes in particular nerve paths was more primitive, and one hundred times more effective. Supposing that you had an earache, then I can guarantee you that you would only have it once. An immature chute (three-inches in diameter) would be forcibly inserted directly to the site of the pain. It was a similar deal for eye infections. Re-infections were non-existent!
In the off-chance that you had diarrhoea, then the treatment was local, rapid, and somewhat final. I won't even mention toothache. We had no teeth, indeed, teeth and any associated maladies, were considered to be a waste of good timber. Eczema, psoriasis, acne, and indeed migraine were migrant workers, as far as we were concerned. Asthma was slightly different though, and was an herbal remedy for flatulence, not that we had much. It would be "lanced", long before it would present a problem. Gaseous or otherwise.
Yes, our local clinic was never understaffed or under-resourced, such was the availability of bamboo. Should a hungry dinosaur "happen" on your leg, arm, or anything except your head (this would have been considered to be a "threat"), a simple poultice made of Zinc (readily available at the 7/11), Selenium (unavailable, but anything starting with "S" was sufficient, and only your imagination could deprive you), and milk (from the milkman), would redirect the pain. Guaranteed!
You had to be tough to survive medicine, and that was just practicing it. To survive it as a patient required a sharp memory. If you "forgot" your previous visit, then ... well then ... longevity was not for you. There was nothing trivial, repetitive or indeed actual, about the Hippocratic oath. "Accept your fate, and relinquish your dinosaur eggs" as I remember it, was the motto of Medicine.
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